These wounds they will not heal...

I'm thinking that my shoulder REALLY hurts.

Which is odd, because the most strenuous thing I did today was bring some wood inside for the stove; the damn thing's acting up when it's not supposed to.

Hah. Or maybe the thousands of milligrams of Ibuprofen wore off, finally.

Presents are TOUGH. It's hard not to just go crazy and buy awesome gifts for everyone. Sometimes, I'll just be ambling through a store and see like eight things for one person that would make AWESOME gifts, but you've already bought them a present and it's great and you don't want to look like a spaz by handing them a huge pile of goodies.

I am so exhausted, emotionally. I'm running on empty. I don't even have a solid reason for it, I just am. It sucks.

Everyone is now going to pity me, and I'm going to turn my backs on their pity and be noble and emo. Then, the love of my life is going to lift my head and give me a new zest for life. I'm going to have a fulfilled life and be happy.

Yep. That's how it's going to be. Start with the pity, I have to be dramatically wasted before Sierra gets back.

sliding

Thank God for Linkin Park; I don't think I'd be as calm as I am without them to explode for me. Nothing seems to be working. I mean, things are good, but it's as if an aspect of my life is missing. School? Sierra? Heavy Metal? Writing? I don't know...

But I'm writing, and listening to screaming and artfully discordant noise, so it's not either of those...

What teenager do YOU know misses school on a long weekend? So that's probably not it...

I think tomorrow is going to be my "play games until you're sick of it, then do homework and college apps so that you don't feel guilty about wasting the whole day" day.

five faces
has the cube
twisted away

nine fingers
has the hand
one's ring has cut it off

one lane
the road
drive it the same as the rest

or break.

Bleh. Poor poetry, uncomfortably warm downstairs, and the aftertaste of Banana-Nut (?!) Cappuchino. Tonight is odd.

But on a better note, I went to Love, Actually with Lauren. She's been feeling kinda below the weather and I had some time, so we had a good night. Even if I did have to make it home in time for supper (Sorry, love!)

Kids, your Christmas is going to be funnY. Fun and funny, and warm. And for some, furry. But fun for all.

Hah, I just realized we only have like two weeks or so of school before Christmas break. Maybe three. Cool.

Man, I have SO many expenses lined up...Nice clothes for Forensics meets and Interviews and such, Christmas presents, CDs for my own selfish self, etc. Mensch.

OK, feelin' the oppression today. My mom made me put away the clothes in my room or I couldn't use the car. It sounds a lot more reasonable a few hours later, and in writing, but then it was total bs. She said I had to have a "system".

What!? I'm 18. My system is stay outta my face about silly little shit like that and I'll be sullen and stay out of YOUR face.

happy thanksgiving, all you givers-of-things-for-me-to-be-thankful-for!

So here's the deal:

I'm really bored; this vacation is relaxing but I feel it slipping through my fingers.

I really miss contact with people I'm comfortable speaking intimately with. No offense, friends, but if you haven't sounded the depths, then I'm not talking about you.

I wish I was more independent of my family; I want a goddamn car and I don't want to live here anymore. With my family, that is.

Love, Actually is an amazing movie, and well worth braving the crowds to see this weekend.

I'm angry because my high E guitar string broke, I have no extras, and frankly, I have very little interest in the guitar these days. I wish I did, but I don't.

I am going to live on my own this summer. I don't care if I should be saving for college, I will find a way to get out of this hellhole with curfews and no privacy. It's piss-ridden, it is. I'm sick of parents.

Christmas/New Years is going to be SO much better than Thanksgiving, it's almost disgusting. Almost. But you don't get Turkey on Christmas, usually. But then, Egg Nog and presents...

Well...I'll probably be posting quite a bit over the next few days, unless I go shopping tomorrow (*squeal!*).

Blah. I feel wasteful today. I hate living in rural America. It's ass except for the views, and I have little patience for views right now. Little patience for anything. What an arse I'm being. Shit.

Hey Sierra? This is the ONE time when I've actually considered taking advantage of our arrangement, and I don't really want to. I just miss you so goddamn much. Fuck.

Craziness, is what this is...

This week has been...well, it's been really frickin slow. Partially because of it being a whole two days long, and partially because I've had very little motivation for much these days. Kind of a low-grade exhaustion. Bleh.

I have a whole lot of things to do that require money, and I have a whole lot of...no wait. I have very little money. Riiiight....

Well shit.

Apparently, my senior picture hasn't been turned in. How in the hell? I gave the lady the disk, I saw her save it on her computer, I saw the damn picture when she opened it...I don't get it.

WOW my shoulders hurt. Lifting is HARD.

haha. Lifting GETS you hard.

knowwhatimean, knowwhatimean?

I found this awesome book in the library "History of English Literature". I'm going to see if I can get through all of it this weekend. That'd be sweet.

Life is shallow-seeming these days. I'm floundering in the delta and it's a LONG ways to the deeps. Well, life isn't shallow. Just portions of it seem to be less...like you can't stretch out all the way without hitting your limbs against a wall or something.

Ach.

I'm beginning to really enjoy some parts of my life, though. Parts that were cool in part due to their novelty are growing on me. Doing well in school, being mature about my schedule, applying for college...

They all give you a feeling of progress; moving. Some other things are getting less exciting and more enjoyable, too.

It's awesome.

Yesterday I was talking online with Monica, just about stuff; things. You know, the usual. She said "Your life is really going well, huh?"

And I kinda started, because it IS. It really hasn't done that before, hah.

So I'm going to enjoy it, damnit. This year is gonna be fun. Some people understand what that entails *wink*, and some might think they do. They probably do, come to think of it. But it doesn't matter. Last year, top of the world...why the hell would I hold back?

No more stop signs...

whew...

Exhausted. That's how i feel. pooped. worn ou...

*yawn*...

maaan. Morning practice takes it out of you.

So sorry, kids, but I don't know if I'll be posting very often for a while. Swimming and Forensics and Sierra take up so much time. I'm really sorry if I haven't been spending very much time with you guys lately, either. I just have priorities, and I have to order them for myself right now.

But things are going well; much of the stress is gone. go...ne. Just, melted away. It's a good day; a good end to a good week. It'll be a fun night after a hard practice and a weekend that I think I'll appreciate...and maybe I'll apply to some colleges, too.

my balls hurt.

ow.

OW.

So, don't worry about me; it just gets this way every year. About the schedule, not the balls.

"Look at earth from outer space
everyone must find a place
give me time
give me space
give me real
don't give me fake
give me strength, reserve, control
give me heart
and give me soul
give me time
give us a kiss
tell me your a politic. "

And so the eternal viewing continues, with maybe a short intermission for some really good superbowl commercials. Have a wonderful weekend, and I'll try to have stuff done enough to do things on Thanksgiving weekend.

BagelCON was...well, it was.

We left on a cold, rainy Friday. We came back on a slightly warmer, not so rainy but foreboding, Sunday Noon. The whole time I was there I wished I was elsewhere, except during unrequited love. I love that activity. Nothing better. Well...some things....

Life is better than I expected it would be had you asked me a month ago. A lot better. Things aren't going great at school, and I'm hanging on a knife-edge in regards to my free time because of swimming and forensics, but everything seems right. Like there isn't any issue about whether things will turn out better than I can imagine. Right, capital R.

I'm honestly really freaking out about Sierra's birthday present. Whether it gets done in time is a huge issue; I might have to postpone the giving of it, as much as I hate saying that.

Phew. *exhausted "phew"*

I really DON'T like the Doors. I can understand why people do...it's just that I don't. Too bad, really. It's good music. I just hate it.

In retrospect the Con wasn't that bad. I had missed some people and I got to see them for the first time in a month or two, and that's ALWAYS awesome. Kristin and John Bailey and Chelsea...There were a lot of people there that I don't know, though. Lot's of CON-virgins and lots of people that are about my age but are REALLY tall. They're probably even juniors, but they're all so mature looking. Meh.

So, I rush my ass to get a present ready (due to technical difficulties, and my dad being dumb) as I ready myself for an extremely intense week and after that, an extremely intense quarter. Bleh.

But hey, life requires contrast...

a needed vacation

I'm really sorry I haven't posted in a while. A lot of writing has been done, but none of it is available to be seen by youse guys.

Emotionally...right now, I'm a roiling mass. I'm trying to sort it all out, and I will, but until I stand on my feet again, you might have to put up with inconsistencies.

Physically...I'm pretty damn good. I've lost twenty pounds, total, and this is before swimming starts.

So, all in all, I'm ok. Better than you can possibly imagine in some, not so hot in some others.

No worries. Things have a way of working themselves out with these things.

your life; a vessel
your love the shore
oh, clear water
part
oh, chill wind
blow
speed me to the beach
where i might rest once more

"Lipstick is Good" sayeth the lord.

Just a couple things. Today was an illuminating one, and I'll probably write more later as I had a double shot espresso at Acoustic. Sierra and I went for dinner after school and did Tarot readings. So, we found out that if she goes to Winter Carnival, I'm on "the list".

Believe it, lipstick is Good. People are Good. Talking is Good. I really want you guys to appreciate the little things in life, as well as the big ones.

...so, appreciate Ben and I both, respectively. (BURN!!!)

I have an essay due tomorrow that I most certainly have a refreshed, if not new, perspective on, so I should redo it, but I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate. We'll see what happens.

Oh, and Tarot cards are Good.

I really like the fact that my family is essentially leaving me to my own devices, whether it's an effect of my newly aquired adult-hood, or just because I'm doing well in school. Either way, I appreciate it.

I'm supposed to wax poetic, but that would take time and emotion, and right now I don't have the time to type them. I could write you a poem, but not the emotion behind it. So you'll have to just deal until I do. Sorry.

But have fun with life anyway.

@Jenny: Of course we care. It's good that you're realizing that. Oh, and you can move on without moving on to something else. Where one town stops, a road begins, and that road doesn't necessarily lead to another town...or at least right away.

@Suzie: I miss you posting in your LJ. I want you to, 'cause it gives me a look into you, which I seldom get. If you don't want to, that's cool. But please do. And Suzie, NO, I don't like fasting. It's hard, it's a battle...but I can see why you like it. You feel better during it, prolly just 'cause you have more energy...but that doesn't mean I'm being converted to Anorexia. It's scary, and I take that that means I'll never do it. And I have things to live for...very obvious, not leaving things to live for. I can wait to die. :)

How disjointed was THAT?!?

Sorry about that last post. The Public Library isn't exactly the prime spot for candidness (candidacy? Something wot means me being honest...)

I feel good. I've fasted all day, with a bottle of Powerade and a cup of Cider to keep me going, and I am SO ready for tomorrow. Three full meals....*slobber*

I feel good. Things seem to be going relatively well for most people, or at least turning around. Things are going wonderfully for me....or if they aren't, I am blissfully unawares. Works, though.

I'm gonna echo like EVERYONE's statements here and say that Earl is a dick. He gets really pompous and offensive sometimes...sigh. Parents. They all suck. Some are worse than others, but if you get down to it it's hard to truly be happy until you leave home. It's a pressure thing.

Gotta go. Write some emails, get to bed, sleep, you know the drill. Thanks for putting up with my ramblings that weren't really ramblings and were quite half-assed even as pseudo-ramblings go. It means a lot to me.

Have a comfortable night.

Glorious, glorious huge cheques that aren't written to me!!!

Only through thee would I be able to obtain my very own, gorgeous, beautiful, heavenly, smooth, perfect guitar! Oh, happy day!

...now I need to learn to play it...

No worries. I've got lots of material to write songs about, and lots of time on weekends...

Which reminds me, BagelCON is this weekend! Awesome!

Despite me being abomidably tired, hungry, and emotionally traumatized, things are looking up!

Today, I was sitting in second hour, just kinda babysitting Danny, when it hit me that, like, four songs in a row on What's the Story are directly applicable to me. Don't worry, I'll have mix-tapes out in a jiffy...or mix cds. But tapes would be hella-retro, so I think that's what you'll get. It might take some time to gather them all up, though.

PS: I've probably spent about 100 fridays playing magic...at an average cost of 12$ per, that's like 90-odd cds...what a dumbass I be, arrr.

So, quote of the day is me saying "Arr me maties, I be a salty sea-dog indeed. Arr." Joel got a kick out of it, 'cause it's kinda dirty (tee hee!).

Thing that happened of the day is neither Sierra, Jenny, Jakob, OR Emily did their English homework over the weekend...and I DID! WOOT!

It's not that great, but today wasn't all that great. And buying something awesome, while really awesome, doesn't count.

Have a good night. I mean it.

...maybe I should get up at three in the morning and not eat all day more often. Today was better than it should have been....

a dissapointing end to a roller-coaster week

The other day I asked Jenny if she had ever had periods (hah!) of time when there was just enough time to feel like you shouldn't waste it, and to get bored during, but not enough time to do anything during? That's how this whole damn day has felt.

I got up 5 minutes before my dad was going to leave for church, and then he didn't even have enough room in the car for Ben and myself, so I was stuck at home, awake, dressed, with no place to go, and nothing to do. So I rearranged my room and made a mess so my parents could yell at me when they got home (I know, so thoughtful of me...). This also ended in me not being able to buy my guitar because they won't let me drive in now, as they have something to do tonight, and apparently it takes more than three hours to go to the shop and buy a guitar and case. What the fuck.

And when I reminded them that I had checked all the other possible avenues of guitar-buying-ness, and that I had made my decision so it wouldn't take so long to do it tonight, Dad said to "check the paper on Monday". Sounds reasonable, right? That's what they've been saying for about three weeks. I'll get laid before I get a guitar at this rate.

I think part of my blah-depressed-blooarg state is that I haven't gotten very much sleep, and all the personal drama with Sierra and Suzie and Mary has really started to erode what little self I have. It gets smothering, the politics, after a while. Maybe I just don't have the fortitude that some do. Or maybe it's just apathy...which I'm pretty certain it is. Pretty sad, if you ask me. I try to be more secure, but...no. I'm trying to be more secure, and have made some decisions about that.

First, no more thinking myself into a standstill. I'm still going to think about stuff, and not be impulsive, per se, but if something feels right I'm going to do it. If I want to do it but am not sure how it feels I'll give it a try.

Second, I'm going to tone down the censorship in my Blog. It's gotten to a ridiculous point. So from now on in, I'm going to wax poetic about very specific things that apply to someone in particular but that everyone can feel is true for them, or just come right out and say it. I'm sick of all this not knowing where I am crap.

Finally, I am going to kick serious ass this year. No joke. I was at Rock for Food, and was thinking while the Canned Corn Rebels were playing. I've been, up until a while ago, the person that thinks about all the great things that I could do but never actually had the nerve to do . . Josh Ingersoll, for example, leads, from what I can tell, a rather full life and is comfortable with being as cool as he is. He helps organize benefit concerts and then plays in them. Now, I understand that if everyone did that it would lose its magic, but I think that everyone should do things like that as often as possible...you know, go all out and be the best you can be. Express yourself in a way that people are appreciative of, and maybe do some good with it. So anyway, I'm going to really try this year. It's easier now that I have someone to work for, so to speak...but that should just mean I go farther. No pun intended

So, I'll leave you for the afternoon with some stuff that I wrote a while ago. (I think it's funny that I'm posting this...)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Advice on life seems silly; a way, perhaps, to clarify something abstract to a "young one" without them understanding, really, what is being said. A play to and "elder"'s ego.
People live their lives, regardless of what romantic ideas you may have about knowledge and truth, blindly. They stagger through the mazes in the dusk, jumping at shadows and trying with all their might to find the exit, while at the same time, purposely ignoring it because the shadows make them feel more real.
Good thing noone will be reading this, or I'd be writing something "silly". Too bad I can't prove my genius or I'd be contradicting it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, now that I look at it, it doesn't make as much sense as when I wrote it...oh well. It was deep for a sophmore, ok!? *sob*

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It's not the end of semester
it's not the beginning, anew.
It's the lovely time in between
when no one cares about you.
You don't care about anything
...cease
nothing.
State of the art peace.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think I wrote that later in the day, during first semester finals last year. I was listening to some of G-Motz' techno and drawing with crayons during lunch. It was a good time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have my finger on something, but if I lift it up to see what it is, it'll escape.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I don't remember if I actually wrote that, or if I heard it and jotted it down...but either way, don't you feel like that sometimes? Like you're standing on one of those rickety rope bridges, with the mist so think you can't see more than 10 feet in front of you...and the bridge makes you nervous. You stop, look around, kind of panicking, and then realize you don't know which way you came or which way to go.

...But then you just stand there, and enjoy the mist, and being isolated totally from everything. You enjoy the journey, more than obsessing about the destination.

*thinks quietly*

I think that I'm very glad I just read that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The word loses its luster
slowly
...slowly.
How many times can I fail?
How many times can I say I've stopped caring
...until I can no longer remind myself that I do?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Evan was sad, methinks, when this was written. I get that way, in school; the sad where it's just latent. You can shove it aside from time to time, but it takes either a lot of good things or time to make it go away.

This next one, I thought, was one of the more nitty-gritty, honest, and profound pieces I've done all highschool.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
what would it feel like to...

hijack a plane?
run away from home?
rape?
be raped?
die for a cause?
worry about where my next meals coming from, or where I have to sleep tonight?
be a true musician?
smoke?
steal a police car?
survive a school shooting?
have a serious auto accident?
come home from a war?
get married?
graduate from high school?
live in a foreign country?
live in a concentration camp?
run a concentration camp?
commit suicide?
have a child?
see the future?
see the past?
experience the past?
commit a murder?
run until you pass out?
live alone in the mountains?
be able to read minds?
be omnipotent?
not be hurt...ever?
fly?
change your shape?
be the best in the world at something?
give your life for someone you love?
be shot?
shoot someone?
be stabbed?
stab someone?
live in a fantasy world?
turn invisible?
die in a nuclear bomb blast?
hear God?
see God?
know the Truth?
know what everything feels like?+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There are a good number of them that I want to experience, and a good many of them I think I can live without (I wouldn't mind that last one, though...at least later in life, so I could have done all the mutually exclusive things. It would kind of ruin it, though, to know what everything felt like. Then you'd just write a book about the best things in life and some middle-aged women would give it as 13th Birthday presents to their nephews, and they'd ignore it. So maybe that would be the shittiest one...?).

I think that's all I have for you right now. Please enjoy you're last little bit of peace before the grind. Call a friend and talk. Listen to some music. Whatever makes you happy. For me, please do it. I certainly will be...

Sorry about that barrage of useless, innacurate personal knowledge last post. It was uncalled for...Honestly, though, those quizzes are neat-o.

I went to the Rock for Food benefit concert...um...last night. It was pretty good. There's not a whole lot else to say...other than Ian Pope is a MADMAN!!! He was moshing, or at least standing in the middle of those stupid juniors that start moshing during slow songs, pretty much the whole time and with the security guards right there. Perhaps I exaggerate, I wasn't exactly following his every move.

Today I hung out with Sierra and we went for a walk and then talked for a bit. It was good, but I got really tired after I left. Maybe she takes out of me than I realize, or maybe my sleep-deprived brain was starting to shut down and tricked me into doing things my body couldn't healthily handle. Either way, I had a great time and I figured some things out.

I am so tired right now, and I have to get up and go to church in the morning. Good night, all. I apologise for the short post but a lot of what's going on right now is going on behind closed doors and is rather sensitive.

PS: Current score is 6-0...I'm losing. Woof. If she can get to ten before I can...I don't really want to think about that.

quiz crAZY!

Hecate


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


Tramp Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent.

"And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to
go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice
given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went
inside and bled silver blood.. For her
misdeed, the world knew evil."

Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve
(Christian) and Pandora (Greek).
The Unicorn is associated with the concept of
innocence, the number 3, and the element of
water.
Her sign is the twilight sun.

As a member of Form 3, you are a curious
individual. You are drawn to new things and
become fascinated with ideas you've never come
in contact with before. Some people may say
you are too nosey, but it's only because you
like getting to the bottom of things and
solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to
have because they are inquisitive.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

So, I took it again; I was perhaps more honest or at least more precise the second time.


You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

what i want

Love- I want to be with someone to the point where nothing else matters. I want to feel their heartbeat and know that I am in the right place; that I am here for a reason. I want be with them and the whole world to melt away into a watercolor that got cried on; that just ignores us.

Company- I want someone to watch movies with at the end of a long week...the kind of movie where it's turned down and all you're doing is talking.

Music- I want to be as good at creating it as I am at loving it. I want to be musical.

Beauty- My own, others', natural beauty...I want it all. I want to see the perfections in the world and not be hung up on the faults. I want to inspire.

Freedom- I want to get out of this room and walk out onto the street. I want to run into people and help them gather up their shopping that I knocked out of their arms, and then walk off whistling while they just stand there, wondering what just happened; wondering where the cold went. I want to buy wierd food from foreign vendors and a brace of hotdogs for a homeless guy. I want to be done with school and this life, and take what I like from it and start a new one.

i want to sing
to sing my song
i want to live in a world where i belong

I want to fight the world, battle through the press and crawl up on the pedestal when they all fall silent.
I want to be on a stage and court perfection. I want to sing to those I live for and have them realize me. I want the whole world to lift me up on their shoulders and bring me closer to the sun. I want to feel the notes cascading over me and know that there is someone out there who knows I am singing for them. Who knows it.
I want to be with someone and have the whole world just melt away, and we'll find ourselves floating in a sea of all the good things in life. In each others' arms, bobbing on graduation parties, and late night discussions, and road trips and art and colors and sound...

Not that I don't have some of those things now.

aftermath

So, Red, how did you like that? It was, I think, a tad dramatic...but I have a flair for drama, so you're gonna have to deal...not that that's hard for you or anything.

I...I think that things are going well. Maybe not as well as was indicated by last night's post, but not badly. Nothing's wrong, but I'm just sobered by the fact that I still have a ways to go before...nirvana, I guess.

It is only second hour. Blerzjgh.

I should be finding someone with a chemistry book and doing it...I'll prolly just grab Noah's sometime. It's good to be doing so well in school. I think that that's my only real stress right this moment. I have faith that things'll work out in other areas...but I have to work to make school good.

Swimming starts in two weeks. Bllllrrrarrrrgghghjghggdzhzhhghhhj.

I've lost 11 pounds in 4 weeks. This is a good thing. Except now I'm not eating anything and am cold all the time. All the time. All the goddamn time. All over the goddamn fucking cold as frigid ice cold hell time. Brr.

I didn't get to see Sierra today...yet. Bleargh.

So, last night Jenny and I had a good talk and decided a couple of things. It's good to really know your friends, instead of just hanging out with them. It makes them more your friend. Aquaintances suck, friends are r0x0r!

Oh, and by the way Red, that was the ONLY element of our correspondence that I could not bring myself to delete. I'm glad you feel the way you do. Invigorating, that.

"Someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
in a champaigne supernover in the sky

...

Cause you and I
will never die
the world's still spinning 'round
we don't know why
why
why
why
why"

I win still more.

The stars are converging, and focusing their love upon me. I am the most fortunate bastard in this whole damn universe...which makes me sound concieted, but I'm just writing how I feel.

Today I...

...worried about my friends
...was right, when talking to my friends
...was not idiotically wrong, when talking to my friends
...had a MOST relaxing first hour
...felt loved
...got things done
...stuck (mostly) to some sort of diet
...drank lots of water
...felt finished with my drawing for the first time
...listened to wonderful Coldplay
...had my jokes understood
...had my cynicism understood
...hugged my friends
...had a deep discussion with my friends
...ganged up on a friend, in a good way
...listened to wonderful Travis
...did not fall asleep in AP Chem II
...told someone how I felt, more than once
...saw a movie with friends
...and defended my practices against assault most heinous! ;)

Moral of the timeline is things are going well, and I am living my life. It's what I be best at, arrrrgh.

I just had the best/worse day of my life

I could not post what I was going to write, as it was basically a very personal letter that would have made little sense to most of you and embarassed or at least betrayed the trust of another. You get the title, though, if that makes up for it.

Wow, my life is cyclic.

Has anyone ever felt total happiness? I haven't...

I win.

I played two games yesterday. I won them both. Informants are great. ;)

So, I'm sitting in Bucholz's classroom, waiting to go take my goddamn AP Psych test and it sucks. I hate having to wait for bad things to happen. Bleargh.

Jenny, if you're out there, bring Suzies backpack to school. She's lost without her shackles.

I am in a good mood. After school is going to rock, even if today kind of sucks. I'm pretty much finished with my pastel-work in Drawing, and it looks really cool. I have a tummy-ache. You better not have infected me, Red!

Micah Strunk is in swimming. Seb, he's not hot. He's not gay. He's an annoying little prick that can't get enough of himself. I hope he gets raped. (just kidding, that's mean. but really, that kid needs to get real.)

Suzie, you should update your LJ...seriously. It needs to be done. You went off my radar, and now I feel a little adrift. Come back!

I can't concentrate, and I have nothing profound to say right now, so I'm going to leave.

Don't cry, Red, I threw it to you, not at you. ;)

Mippity Mippity Moo.

People are really confusing. I just get flung around with their mood swings and end up getting dropped...

...horizontally...

...at great velocity....

...straight into a conveniently located brick wall.

I also hate when people can't admit they're wrong. GAH!

Here we go...

Suzie. I don't hate you. I'm not ignoring you. Feigning/Inducing a relapse or whatever is not going to give you more time with me, it's going to cause me to freak out and screw things up...which is, sorry to say this, extremely selfish. I like you, I like what we have now, but don't try to manipulate me. I'm not playing that game.

I'm sorry if that isn't what's going on. It's just I have to expect odd things from you. Please talk to me about it. I feel like you haven't loosened up since last Wednesday. I'm still the same person I was on Tuesday, if a little wiser.

Sierra is changing...from just a love interest to a friend and love interest. It's awesome. This is like the reverse of what usually happens. It's exciting!

Seriously, what the hell do you guys want for Christmas (or, rather, Xmas, as the day after Christmas is a little more of a realistic gathering-time than Christmas). I've gotta get started now, otherwise car-nazis will fuck up all plans to get stuff for you...so come on! Hurry up!

Swimming starts soon...and I'm getting a hair-...trim, I guess. It'll look hot. After the swimming season I'm gonna be the Cassanova of the school. No joke. I'm gonna have to rent a stretch limo after school just to hang out with all my girlfriends.

Lauren, tell Wren and Sara that they rock my socks. (...?)

My ego is WAY too big.

Go to bed! All of you! Get better! Get your homework done! Live a full life and fall in love...and then tell who you've fallen in love with! Be better people! Vote Kucinich!

reminiscing

On wednesday, Sept 24 I referred to myself as "fuck-all optimistic". This was proceeded by rants about how my life sucked...for about a month. I think, perhaps, I am back to some semblance of my old self.

I have, in addition, discovered the key to my optimism.

Caffiene...or snow. I don't think it was snow, but maybe I was pining. So it could have been...but this morning I had a whole heck of a lot of really, really good "free exchange" hot cocoa...and I was rather wired for the rest of the day, except for sixth hour when I dozed off in AP Chem. II. I swear, that is the only class I've fallen asleep in (actually fallen asleep in) all year. I've been really tired in Psych. and Philosophy, but for some reason I just zonk out sixth hour.

Sierra is sick.:(

I could sweet and bring her some soup tomorrow, but it would just be canned, and she'll probably have some anyway. I was thinking about it, though! I almost did it! Gotta give me some credit....

I really want to get everyone awesome Christmas presents this year. I have a lot of money (just transferred a load of savings money into a checking account, and even with Guitar expenses, it's quite the wad of dough), so I'll have to shop around for stuff. Anyone wanna go shopping later?...liiiike.....

THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING!!!!

I don't care what you say, I love the rampant consumerism. I love the press of the crowds, I love the deals, and I love the season. I don't really like the fighting over kid's toys, but thankfully that rarely starts until closer to the New Year. I'm thinking about getting really awesome books for everyone this year...

Anyone want anything in particular? If you could have one thing, ANYthing, in the whole world, what would it be? Don't give me some bullshit answer like "peace on earth and goodwi-blah blah blah" I wanna know that if Santa could wrap something up in twenty dead trees, cover it in curly ribbons, and slap a gilt card on it, what you would want to be in the box.

I, personally, would want a fully tricked-out (i.e. 15'' subwoofer, 12 different speakers, CD/MP3/Sattelite Radio sound system, 25'' Plasma Flat-Screens in the back of the seats, VCR/DVD player, black leather seats, and 18'' rims; silver with swishy, yin-yang bits on, and those funny white headlights) Honda Civic Hybrid ...

...Lime fuckin' green.

HEll yeah!

Oh yeah, and honestly, a Christmas with my friends and no family, and plenty of classy alchohol. No joke. I really hate not being around the people I love the most on the one day of the year when you need it the most.

...and to instantly know how to play the guitar as well as Trey Anastazio. Or at least to have logged as many hours as he has into it.

...and a huge Chrismas tree, with just Tinsel and white lights on. Seriously, that is close to the most elegant thing I've ever seen.

...and lots of fluffy, packy snow falling all christmas eve and all christmas day, and bright sun, and good music (i.e. not Ben's music).

...and games, and fun, and...oh, I really just wish we went to Hogwarts or something. There's such an appeal of staying with your friends in this huge, glorious castle while all your "enemies" go home and party it up with their asshole families. *sigh*...

Does anyone want to volunteer at the Community Table on Christmas Eve? I've been doing it for a while, and seriosuly, it's loads of fun. We coud go to a movie or just drink Cocoa afterwards...

...love me....

:) jk

yey!

It is SO snowing right now! Beautiful, perfect, light, fluffy, snow-white snow! Flippin' gorgeous, and Jenny and I plastered the heck out of two freshmen girls first hour with snowballs. Ah, spring.

So, things are even better than I thought they were gonna be at first. A balloon of glee is being inflated in me right now.

...right near my bladder. I'm off to the loo.

Have a wonderful first-snowfall!

movies, red hair, and ethnic food

Yesterday was pretty damn busy. Not "busy" busy, but "got a lot of stuff done 'cause I got up early and didn't get home until 8" busy. The good kind.

Went to Church (This I Believe service. Not too bad. Better than last week, talking about the dead and crying. That was a BLAST!)
Childcare (cha-ching!)
Lunch (Acoustic. Chicken soup there is sooooo good.)
Guitar Selection (a difficult choice between two Washburns. One 850$, one 500$...but the expensive one sounds like jesus touched it or something.)
Monk Walk (34$...not the best, but that's a month and a half, so no worries.)
International Festival Thing (Fry Bread, Kalachis, and Egg rolls. Not to mention some really bitchin' hookahs.)
Jam Time (We didn't really, but 'meh. Twas fun.)
Movie Time ("Secretary", with Sierra. Interesting choice, Red. Everyone should see that movie. In the tradition of Amelie, sort of.)
Home Time (When I talked to you!:) )

I got too much sleep last night, I'm all groggy right now. But it'll be a good week. Guthrie Show on Wednesday, I think maybe Forensics starts this week. I have the assistant coaching meeting for DI on Saturday (I can't coach; swimming takes up too much time and I gots to be on the ball fer mah figeur.)

So, all in all, I'm having a good time with life.

That's interesting...

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.


I am seperated from Mary by one degree of "You like to dump kerosene on, and burn, men."

I got the same score as Sierra...which worries me.

:)

I hate my parents.

Tonight, I actually do. Here's the deal:

Last weekend, my dad was away. He called, and asked me to do two hours of outside work instead of the normal one because I was unable to get my car insurance payment for the month and that would serve as part of the compensation for the 20$ that I have to shell out twelve times a year.
That weekend, I cashed my Birthday check from my grandparents for 100$, and used 80$ of it to pay for the next four months of car insurance. So, I only did an hour-and-a-bit of outside work, because I figured I had negated the need for extra work.
This Thursday, I asked if I could have the car for Friday. Mom and Dad said yes, but I had to get everything done Saturday or I could do nothing on Sunday. Sounds fair to me, I thought. I had a blast Friday, and was 15 minutes late getting home because I gave three people rides home.
So today, after getting up at nine, spending maybe 2 hours on the computer, and doing all my indoor chores, homework, and (totally without complaint) doing close to 2 and a half hours of outside work raking the whole yard (we have a very large front and back yard, titled "his majesty, the Yard"), I asked if I could go to Jenny's Matrix/Peace Child get-together, which I had told them about the weekend before and on Thursday.

They said no.

Neither of them was using the Honda, so that wasn't it.

I could not ask for a ride from Jenny; apparently I am totally grounded.

My GPA is the highest at quarter than it's ever been my entire High School career, despite my schedule being the most intense this year also, so grades aren't the issue.

I am missing only one assignment in AP Chemistry II. Those of you who know me, know that this is an amazing statistic.

I reminded both of them what they had told me about doing things this weekend, and why they had told me to do an extra hour of work last weekend. Dad said that this was punishment for not doing two hours of outside work last week.

#1: Is it right to punish someone for not doing something you told them to do, when they were under the impression that reason A was why it needed to be done, and when they had taken care of reason A after you told them to do whatever they were supposed to do? (so, would it be right for Prez. Bush to execute a lackey for not nuking Russia, if the lackey had discovered that the "Russian spy plans" were just kids playing war?)

#2: What can you logically interpret from this?

"You have to do all your work Saturday or you may not play on Sunday."

A: You may not play Saturday or Sunday unless you get your work done.
B: You may not play Saturday regardless how quickly you complete your work, and you may play Sunday if you complete your work on Saturday.
C: You may not play more this weekend until you have completed your work, and depending on how much effort I have to put into making you do your work, you may be deemed "argumentative and lazy" and not allowed to anything anyway.

#3: Would you be angry at your child for being 15 minutes late, if they were not under a legal curfew and they had used the time to give their friends a ride home, who otherwise would have had to walk through college-town at 11:30 on Halloween.

The correct answer, in case you were wondering, to #1 is "NO".

There is no correct answer to question #2, as my parents have deemed me "argumentative and lazy" despite how well I slaved today, and in spite of what they themselves told me.

The correct answer to number 3, in my case at least, is NO. May God have mercy on your soul if you said yes.

So right now, I'm just a teeny little bit pissed. And that's going to get me in trouble next week. I think they just don't like me being too independent; like it makes them feel old or sad or something, so they treat me like a child to keep me a child...Which works admirably, because there is no way I can just say "OK, I can accept that." and walk away from them after that shit-fest. I have to get mad, and that probably justifies it.

Bleh, I'm just tired of it.

I'll write some more later, everything I post right now would be horrendously cynical.