Hopefully,

with the advent of school, there will be more, thoughtful, and overall interesting posts here. This is intended to be one of them, but we shall see what remains of that when I am finished.

It's quite late, on the eve of my return to Morris.

I really dislike periods of bored inactivity. Not so much "oh, I have two hours between X and Y, whatever shall I do!", but, for example, coming home last tuesday and doing nothing new but mow the lawn in the between. I ended up re-reading a lot of Terry Pratchet books, and eating a lot of vegetables, and obsessing over money, as there is currently a -$700.00 or so balance on my checking account due to two mistakes come the end of last month and a whole lot of little mistakes, which I am inclined to explain away. It's not much of a deal, really, I just really like having money, if only because it means I don't not have it.

I tend to put off doing important things until they can be done well, but I'm not mature or intelligent enough to realize how rapidly things can be done well. For example, I have not registered for classes. This is rationalized by my desire to discuss my classes with my faculty advisor, but I could just as easily tear myself away from being horribly bored and lazy and spend 30 minutes reviewing what I need to take and registering online. I do not do this.

And this really isn't a positive character trait, because when it comes to medium things that build up over long periods of time into very, very large things, like, for example, homework and GPA, I really bite myself in the ass, in a manner of speaking. But, I haven't been, as of yet, completely screwed.

Par example.

I did not have a place to live this semester until the last week of the school year, when I was offered the last room at arguably the best location in Morris for living off-campus.

I worked an internship (read: negative income) this summer, having barely broken even last year even having taken out a $2000.00 loan and begun the year with a lot of money, but, for some odd reason, I have 3x the monthly allowance from my parents than I did last year, and a cushy job set up. wth.

There are probably more, but those are big events, seemingly, and they are compounded by lots of little events that are essentially similar. Nothing really bad ever happens due to my own apathy, unless you consider apathy itself to be rather despicable, which I'm leaning towards myself.

Which leads to my main point, I suppose, in which during these periods of bored inactivity I find it extremely difficult to do anything productive, as there doesn't seem to be much producing to do. I know this is false, and it may sound evasionist to put it this way, but my own character traits combine, nay, conspire (!) to undercut my privileges, then my inclinations, and finally my intentions toward anything worthwhile. Weeks such as this truly feel wasted; an entire week when, were I the sort of person to write notes on a calendar, you would see white space except for half-hearted attempts at making it look filled, are truly wasted weeks; quicksand.

Which leaves this weekend the time to shake it off and set off at a healthy trot. I'm going to drink, I'm going to hug all my friends and mean it (and my God will I mean it...), and I'm going to walk the campus and smoke, just for the hell of it. Morris has become the place of fulfillment in my life. It's not really that exciting, at least not for me, as I don't tend towards excitement (I'm reminded of a time when I sullenly remarked to someone "*I* can be fun...", and knew it sounded pathetic, and would have laughed at myself were it not such a serious moment), but the connections you tend to make with people during "excitements" tend to be tense and spangy and a little too bright. At Morris I've let my roots intertwine with those of others, below the surface, so that we don't have to acknowledge the connections on a daily basis merely to keep them existent.

I've kept too many connections strong merely by pouring energy into them, and the odd thing is that I'm not tired of it, I'm just not interested in continuing. I'll stay in love with people, in friend with people, in family, in...whatever, without the effort. I've stayed, I should say.

It all kinda makes you wonder about Truth doesn't it?