i_am_so_sick_of_fee_ling_like_shit_be_cause_of_o_ther_pe_ople.

In middle and high school it was so easy. You could blame parents for being parents, teachers for being teachers, or yourself for not knowing any better or being just plain stupid. Now, in the real world, when people are supposed to be adults; to be mature, everything just seems more and more clear, and less and less sure.

Before: Why do I feel bad?
Now: Person A is doing X. X makes me feel bad. Y is happening. Y is bad.

Before: Magic makes me feel good. Flirting makes me feel good. Playing in SAP makes me feel good.
Now: WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT PERSON A SO I CAN STOP FEELING LIKE I'M GOING TO THROW UP. WHAT THE HELL DO I DO ABOUT Y SO MY HEART RATE GOES DOWN.

It's a complete about face from childhood, and it's craz-ifying my life. I mean, absolutely. I'm seriously contemplating doing the worst thing I've ever done because I am so out of my mind with stress. What drives a person to that?

Well, I know. I'm maturing, so I know. I'm not mature, yet, obviously, because I have no idea what to do about it.

Have you ever listened to an album, and skipped over a certain song most times because it doesn't really make sense? And then one day it does?

That happened to me three times tonight.

National Treasure isn't quite as bad as it appears. All the clues and junk are really neatly done. The supporting actor's character is cool, as well.

I miss feeling warm on cold nights. I'm always cold these days; spending time under blankets. Alone under the comforter, miles away from home, lives away from my friends.

It really takes your breath away, the sky tonight. I turned off the lights to the car when I got home and nothing really got darker, just more pale; the moon is so bright. The stars were all smudgy because the moon was so brilliant.

I love winter skies. That light that pours over the snow is so indescribable in human terms; so brilliant and muted and silver and thin...

Sleep well.

And you know what else?

I am so sick of being second-chair to people who don't give a damn.

Good night.

Perhaps this is a bad thing, perhaps good.

I find myself taking naps because I don't want to be awake. The boredom at this point is exquisite, and not being altogether happy with "things" doesn't help.

I'll just blame it on my knee.

Good news, and bad.

Good news is my ACL isn't torn, or if it is it won't require surgery. The knee, in general, doesn't require surgery, just a lot of medication and a lot of physical therapy.

The bad news is that it's still really painful, and that it's a huge pain in the ass to go anywhere on campus, much less move around the goddamn dorm.

It's funny that when we get what we want from God, we find loopholes and ask for more of it.

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

What a lazy weekend.

I slept in both days; didn't really go out, either of them; didn't go to supper, either of them; and am only now getting to my homework.

I guess I had reason, though, with the knee slowing me to a crawl. But it still felt kind of wasted. And I missed my classes Friday because of it, and I'm going to miss at least three of them tomorrow because of the MRI and the follow-up, and I might leave for home Tuesday and miss my Wednesday classes...sigh. Not good.

Well, I'm getting a lot done tonight, and I really don't care. It's almost Thanksgiving break, and that kind of glosses over everything else, for various reasons. Food, the people, just doing things in a town that I'm intimately familiar with will be the most welcome thing in the world.

Hey guys, give me a political issue. Just post it in the comments. I really want to figure out where I stand on everything, and I'll answer as my next post, if I get any questions. Thanks!

I can't wait to see all of you at home!

I was looking back more towards the early middle of my blog. I used to be quite the poet. Perhaps Christmas will evoke similar feelings this year, although I doubt it. Hopefully, though.

So, here's the story.

And regardless of the apparent stupidity, it was an easy two bucks at the time, and an interesting capstone to a cool, cool night.

So, last night, around 12:30, John, Noe, Chris and I decided to go to Alexandria. We do this every once in a while: just up and drive 35 miles to the nearest Perkins and Walmart really early in the morning.

So, we went to Walmart and I bought some air freshener, Visine, and some Hot Cocoa mix (which I've been missing, a LOT). I was in there longer than Noe and John were, and when I walked outside, all I saw was Noe, with cigarette in hand, turn around from talking with John and, without a word, jump crotch-first onto one of those big cement security columns they have in front of the doors to prevent crazies from driving their cards through the front of the store.

John fell to the ground laughing, Noe resumed smoking like nothing had happened, and I laughed my ass off with John. They explained that John could jump over one, and Noe had said something to the effect of "That's easy". John challenged him and obviously, all Noe did was rape himself on a big stick o' concrete.

So, this is easy, right? I said, "Noe, that was horrible." John then challenged me to do it. I think I agreed to readily, and then he revised his challenge.

"I'll forgive your 2$ debt if you can jump over ALL of them, with some sort of flow. Not just jump. rest. jump; do it so it looks elegant."

Two bucks to jump over a bunch of concrete? Why the hell wouldn't I?

Well, now I know why.

I made it over the first one easily. Second, third, fourth...they were simple. It must have looked pretty funny, though, a chubby kid with a Walmart bag in hand leap-frogging red poles, because John and Noe started laughing their asses off about half-way across the entryway.

Now, I cannot, as you all know, keep a poker face very well. I was born to smile, it seems, when other people do, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

So right before the eighth one I exploded with laughter, and jumped a little crooked because I was giggling so much. I made it over that one alright, but my right leg caught on the 9th and final post, and a spun around it instead of going over it, my left leg landing way to the right of the post on the other side.

I fell over, but my leg didn't really fall with me, it just sort of crunched and popped.

So, I grabbed it and laughed my ass off, lying on the ground, for about three seconds, before the pain and the very odd feeling of having your bones become disjointed pretty much took my breath away.

So, moral of the story is, I have a dislocated, very stiff, and VERY swollen knee, and I am 1$ richer, as I had excellent flow up until the 8th goddamn post. Also, I feel like vomiting from the seven excedrin gel tabs I took. The label says not to exceed two in a 24 hour period...whoops.

We had some really good conversations on the way to and from Alec, though, and a pretty good analysis of religion at Perkins, and I got to vent about some things I really needed to get off my chest.

...All in all, a really interesting night.

lonely night, this.

Maybe I'd come to expect something a bit, and only just realized it now.

Or maybe I just hoped too hard. Well, that's life.

Neal Stephenson is brilliant, as are belated birthday checks.

So, not only have I immersed myself in wonderful literature I have no time for, I also got to go grocery shopping.

I had some really cool, really wierd dreams last night. It doesn't mean much without describing them, but it'll have to be enough that I say they were really goddamn messed.

I really like Glenn Miller.

Today's been relatively uneventful. I've got a lot of stuff due in the beginning bits of the week (two tests in my hardest classes on Monday, and a project due on Tuesday, not to mention I've got five hours of run crew to make up the next few weeks), so I've been practicing french (flashcards are t3ch) and am going to read up on Poli Sci tomorrow, and also interview my dad or mom about 1967-77, and turn it into a performance piece to be performed by me on Tuesday (that's the project).

There's been quite a lot of introspection circling the dorm, it seems, as people get quieter come the end of the semester, and the realization that it's almost too late to change grades for the better; too much of a pain in the ass to change classes for next semester; too close to finals to be comfortable with what you've learned, etc. It's just high-school with a much more tenous support net and the hassle of a roommate (which, except in the very rare circumstance that you fit together like puzzle pieces, IS a hassle, regardless of how well you get along).

So my point is that this atmosphere, with the added developments from people back from High School Evan's life, means I've caught the bug and am buckling down and being at least slightly more disciplined, if more out of fear and insecurity than self-motivation. It's amazing what hope and fear and existential developments, in general, can do to people. I'm doing french homework, and compiling an immense library of music to relax, as well as keep up my ebay sales and such.

I've also learned (or maybe just starkly realized, now) that I'm really bad with money. Not horrible, but I don't think ahead very much, and end up spending more than I should. So I'm going to have to mete out some discipline to that particular gremlin.

But the beautiful people are still beautiful, and I've managed to be more healthy wrt pretty much everything, and the air is still sharp, and clove smoke still feels wonderful on my tongue, having learned to roll my own clove-doobies passably well, and video games have (for the time being, at least) released me from their intoxicating embrace, and halloween lights light my room wonderfully, and I feel good, for the most part.

But mostly, the beautiful people are still beautiful.

"f u u u u u u u u u u u u u u c k"

Today I was woken up by my FYS class charging into my room when I was asleep, in bed, with no clothes on.

I felt a similar feeling to the worst feeling I've ever felt.

I was further reminded of my own insecurity and damagingly excessive respect and understanding by Bridget Jones's Diary.

I beat Halo 2 (For those of you who keep track of AIM away messages, that means in less than a day.)

...And I typed "damagingly" in my blog.

I feel kind of...

...alive.

There are only a few things that could realistically make life much better right now, but I'm not sweating those.

SHIT I love school.

I honestly don't have the time to post anything other than that I'm so busy that I don't have the time to post anything.

Sorry!

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life."

I think I've got it figured out, mostly. Mostly.

I'm trying to get a late transfer out of French class, because it's really dragging my GPA down. I mean, really. Ideally, I could just audit a German class and then test out of language credit at the beginning of next semester. This isn't the shining start to college, but it's probably best in the long run, as it drastically increases my chances of getting into the honors program.

Today is election day; it's very frightening to think that this could all be for naught, essentially. Kerry better fucking win. Or Cobb. That would be fine with me.