a dissapointing end to a roller-coaster week

The other day I asked Jenny if she had ever had periods (hah!) of time when there was just enough time to feel like you shouldn't waste it, and to get bored during, but not enough time to do anything during? That's how this whole damn day has felt.

I got up 5 minutes before my dad was going to leave for church, and then he didn't even have enough room in the car for Ben and myself, so I was stuck at home, awake, dressed, with no place to go, and nothing to do. So I rearranged my room and made a mess so my parents could yell at me when they got home (I know, so thoughtful of me...). This also ended in me not being able to buy my guitar because they won't let me drive in now, as they have something to do tonight, and apparently it takes more than three hours to go to the shop and buy a guitar and case. What the fuck.

And when I reminded them that I had checked all the other possible avenues of guitar-buying-ness, and that I had made my decision so it wouldn't take so long to do it tonight, Dad said to "check the paper on Monday". Sounds reasonable, right? That's what they've been saying for about three weeks. I'll get laid before I get a guitar at this rate.

I think part of my blah-depressed-blooarg state is that I haven't gotten very much sleep, and all the personal drama with Sierra and Suzie and Mary has really started to erode what little self I have. It gets smothering, the politics, after a while. Maybe I just don't have the fortitude that some do. Or maybe it's just apathy...which I'm pretty certain it is. Pretty sad, if you ask me. I try to be more secure, but...no. I'm trying to be more secure, and have made some decisions about that.

First, no more thinking myself into a standstill. I'm still going to think about stuff, and not be impulsive, per se, but if something feels right I'm going to do it. If I want to do it but am not sure how it feels I'll give it a try.

Second, I'm going to tone down the censorship in my Blog. It's gotten to a ridiculous point. So from now on in, I'm going to wax poetic about very specific things that apply to someone in particular but that everyone can feel is true for them, or just come right out and say it. I'm sick of all this not knowing where I am crap.

Finally, I am going to kick serious ass this year. No joke. I was at Rock for Food, and was thinking while the Canned Corn Rebels were playing. I've been, up until a while ago, the person that thinks about all the great things that I could do but never actually had the nerve to do . . Josh Ingersoll, for example, leads, from what I can tell, a rather full life and is comfortable with being as cool as he is. He helps organize benefit concerts and then plays in them. Now, I understand that if everyone did that it would lose its magic, but I think that everyone should do things like that as often as possible...you know, go all out and be the best you can be. Express yourself in a way that people are appreciative of, and maybe do some good with it. So anyway, I'm going to really try this year. It's easier now that I have someone to work for, so to speak...but that should just mean I go farther. No pun intended

So, I'll leave you for the afternoon with some stuff that I wrote a while ago. (I think it's funny that I'm posting this...)

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Advice on life seems silly; a way, perhaps, to clarify something abstract to a "young one" without them understanding, really, what is being said. A play to and "elder"'s ego.
People live their lives, regardless of what romantic ideas you may have about knowledge and truth, blindly. They stagger through the mazes in the dusk, jumping at shadows and trying with all their might to find the exit, while at the same time, purposely ignoring it because the shadows make them feel more real.
Good thing noone will be reading this, or I'd be writing something "silly". Too bad I can't prove my genius or I'd be contradicting it.
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So, now that I look at it, it doesn't make as much sense as when I wrote it...oh well. It was deep for a sophmore, ok!? *sob*

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It's not the end of semester
it's not the beginning, anew.
It's the lovely time in between
when no one cares about you.
You don't care about anything
...cease
nothing.
State of the art peace.
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I think I wrote that later in the day, during first semester finals last year. I was listening to some of G-Motz' techno and drawing with crayons during lunch. It was a good time.

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I have my finger on something, but if I lift it up to see what it is, it'll escape.
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I don't remember if I actually wrote that, or if I heard it and jotted it down...but either way, don't you feel like that sometimes? Like you're standing on one of those rickety rope bridges, with the mist so think you can't see more than 10 feet in front of you...and the bridge makes you nervous. You stop, look around, kind of panicking, and then realize you don't know which way you came or which way to go.

...But then you just stand there, and enjoy the mist, and being isolated totally from everything. You enjoy the journey, more than obsessing about the destination.

*thinks quietly*

I think that I'm very glad I just read that.

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The word loses its luster
slowly
...slowly.
How many times can I fail?
How many times can I say I've stopped caring
...until I can no longer remind myself that I do?
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Evan was sad, methinks, when this was written. I get that way, in school; the sad where it's just latent. You can shove it aside from time to time, but it takes either a lot of good things or time to make it go away.

This next one, I thought, was one of the more nitty-gritty, honest, and profound pieces I've done all highschool.

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what would it feel like to...

hijack a plane?
run away from home?
rape?
be raped?
die for a cause?
worry about where my next meals coming from, or where I have to sleep tonight?
be a true musician?
smoke?
steal a police car?
survive a school shooting?
have a serious auto accident?
come home from a war?
get married?
graduate from high school?
live in a foreign country?
live in a concentration camp?
run a concentration camp?
commit suicide?
have a child?
see the future?
see the past?
experience the past?
commit a murder?
run until you pass out?
live alone in the mountains?
be able to read minds?
be omnipotent?
not be hurt...ever?
fly?
change your shape?
be the best in the world at something?
give your life for someone you love?
be shot?
shoot someone?
be stabbed?
stab someone?
live in a fantasy world?
turn invisible?
die in a nuclear bomb blast?
hear God?
see God?
know the Truth?
know what everything feels like?+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There are a good number of them that I want to experience, and a good many of them I think I can live without (I wouldn't mind that last one, though...at least later in life, so I could have done all the mutually exclusive things. It would kind of ruin it, though, to know what everything felt like. Then you'd just write a book about the best things in life and some middle-aged women would give it as 13th Birthday presents to their nephews, and they'd ignore it. So maybe that would be the shittiest one...?).

I think that's all I have for you right now. Please enjoy you're last little bit of peace before the grind. Call a friend and talk. Listen to some music. Whatever makes you happy. For me, please do it. I certainly will be...