I wake from nights of good doing and health
to discover my past pulled from 'neath me.
What violation is this?
My own heart,
my own soul, lost in the ruin of time.

I'm tired of being indecisive.

I'm really tired of caring, on and off, more about other people than myself and more about myself than other people.

I'm so tired of loving people and hating them, depending on my mood.

I'm tired of all the wishy-washy crap that I dream up when I'm writing or reading or anything; it weakens me, and isn't any use.

And I'm sick of the past, and the future. I'm sick of now, even.

I'm sick of watching myself drink and smoke and wondering "is he being healthy? a year ago this would have been unheard of, but it doesn't seem that bad right now..."

I'm sick of classes that I can't wake up for, and homework that I can't make myself care about except by being really depressed or really happy, neither of which is healthy or consistently existent here.

I'm sick of girls, I'm sick of emotions, and I'm sick of not being able to ration my thoughts to what really matters and let things that don't, really truly don't matter, die.

I'm sick of not being able to create music, I'm exhausted from not writing my own writing, and I hate that my mailbox is nowhere near any of my classes, so I don't check it enough.

I'm sick of porn, I'm ill from worrying about money, and I hate that I dread going home.

I hate change, and I hate that I can't really cry about anything, here. I just really want to get in a fight with someone and beat them bloody.

Life is not life when your blankets feel like ghosts.

So, in a perfect rendition of "Hypocrisy", I shall change. There comes a point when emotion is shoved aside for strength.

And I HATE friends. I don't want any; just lover and enemy. And I don't really want either of those, either.

It seeps into your brain as you watch it:

"I will do everything to have what I am seeing, and I will".

Which is interesting, because I won't, I don't think.

Into your heart, even. It thrills you and intoxicates you and sobers you, all at once. Everything in me was moving but not travelling, like molecules about to explode, constrained by something that will, inevitably, fail.

What a beautiful movie.

How to make a neomanceristaken

Ingredients: 1 part intelligence 1 part arrogance 1 part beauty

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of caring

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

It's beautiful, outside, but inside the glare gives me a headache.

I'm sorry for the lack of posts, lately. I've been someone else entirely, it seems, and it's difficult to be candid when you're not used to yourself.

I gave in to my inner contempt for the rules and burned incense in my room. Sandalwood and Wookiefoot and soft light make for a very relaxing environment.

This is the last week before fall break. I'm not really sure what I'm going to be doing, other than going home and working on my computer. It's become really important to have a computer, here, as iTunes rules with an iron fist. Also, my dorm is the one with all the artsy people, so we've got all the best music.

Theater is a lot of work; I'm on publicity run crew, and we have to put up all sorts of posters for the upcoming show, and we have a lot of consecutive projects in class that are way more work than they should be (I spent 12 hours on an in-class presentation, not including reading, and was told the day after I gave it that it was worth 10 points. Ten.)

Political Science is a lot of work too, but it's more enjoyable. We're doing a lot of get-out-the-vote stuff, and a lot of voter education advertisements.

Last night at 3am we went to Alexandria so our RA could buy the Shaft in Africa DVD at Wallmart. It was cool. We seem to trek on down there once every couple weeks or so, to eat at Perkins and such.

Being vegetarian in Minnesota is a bitch. If it weren't for living in Pine and there being a Co-op in town I would be living on boxed mac/cheese.

I am dreading home. To be honest, there are still a lot of kinks. I'm very disillusioned with friendship and love and family, right now. Less so with family; my parents have been pretty cool this whole time, but even so, a little bit with them.

Wow, I really can't type what I want anymore. Well, at least you know most of what's going on. I guess the big change since I last posted is that I'm starting to get involved with a lot of people outside the dorm and my classes. Run crew and the people I hang out with on Fridays at the local game shop have introduced me to the poli-sci, theater, low-key crowd.

Have a good weekend guys, if I don't see you when I'm back in Eau Claire. I'm going to try to get together with most of you, though.

Of all the alchohols, vodka and kahlua are sovereign.