Oh, and I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend (Go to Battle of the Bands!) and I wish everyone luck with their AP test studies (barf).

And I broke 220 (GRIN).

200 or bust!

There are, of course, only so many ways to scream that you love your life...

I GOT INTO RIPON!!! (is one of them)

I still have to visit, to make sure I like it, and it's struggling with its student base right now; apparently they're not, or just barely, getting enough applicants to stay alive. So it's iffie. But of the ones I looked at I liked it the most, so *fingers crossed*!

Colleges still on the list:

Barron
Morris
Marathon County (Wausau)

Two years (or less) at any of these and then a saucy transfer to Madison or anywhere I want...YEAH!

Ok, so not anywhere I want, but most places. If I get good grades, which I will. This is looking pah-ROMISING!!!

I realize I've been mopey lately, and it's been a lot more self-defeating than I thought. It will end, soon, and I hope I didn't alienate anyone. I mean, irreparably alienate anyone. I value you guys too much, and I mean it.

Yearning...

That's pretty much what my life consists of, right now: hecticness, school, and yearning. There's a little personal growth smattered in there, on occasion...

Wrote this for a class, but I thought most of you that read my blog would appreciate it...

Sovereignty…middle east…mowry

The Bush administration plans on installing a temporary, caretaker government in Iraq to account for the delay in progress that is becoming more and more evident the closer the June 30th transfer of power deadline looms.
The proposed government would have no authority to enact new laws, and little control over its police and armed forces. This would force Iraq to remain reliant on a foreign power(s) to control its populace and borders. Because the transitional government would have no power to enact laws, the country would be held in a state of suspended animation, unable to change their government until elections could be organized and held (much less agreed on).
There are, essentially, two American perspectives. One is the perspective of the Bush administration, and the other the slowly changing perception of the American people. This plan would be seen in a different light by both of them.
The administration, I would think, views this plan (if it is enacted) as a welcome breath of air in the whirlpool that Iraq has become. A longer period of American control, with the Iraqi government having token control of their military would switch partial “blame” for civilian casualties to the current government, as well as restrict their ability to hurry the US out of their position of mastery. More time spent “sacrificing” in Iraq would also give America a more solid claim (in the view of the administration) to reconstruction contracts.
The American people would also improve their outlook on the current situation, temporarily revising terms such as “Vietnam” or “quagmire” in the face of apparent progress. However, progress is not measured, for America, by the slow transition of bedlam to democracy. America will receive no credit for the liberation of Iraq until it is a peaceful and prosperous nation, or at least the foundation for such is put in place. The people of the US are going to see that, though, when, a year from now, American troops are still protecting, and dying in, Iraqi cities. When Iraq is completely autonomous and sovereign is when the popular opinion of the plan will gain subscribers.
Until that time, though, America as a whole will associate the number of troops and casualties in Iraq with the success of the plan, which is a fair, if time-lagged, representation of its merit. The average Joe and Jane Doe on the street will not look at Iraq and say “It is good that we are there, as American companies are getting contracts and they are on their way on shaky legs to an independent nation.” They will see that their status in the world has not improved, and that their neighbor’s son died last week, trying to save the lives of people chanting for his death.
The people of America will not be impressed with a plan that manipulates us into a martyr culture in order to gain from screwing with a martyr culture, until it actually succeeds. The people do not have as much confidence in George Bush as jihaadies have in Allah; militant muslims can blow themselves up against America until there’s none of them left, and still their friends and family will believe in a cause, but America will not stand for such a wanton expenditure of life. The inevitable result of a capitalist society, this is social Darwinism at its finest.
The Iraqi perspective will not be much different, but it will be somewhat more up to date, and significantly more visceral. They will be the ones who see American troops not leaving, becoming more at home and entrenched in their back yard. They will be the ones hearing of little progress on anything but organized elections. They will be the ones fired to religious revenge by real or perceived wrongs. The Iraqi people will not be happy with such a neutered government.
They may be content, however, if America can be more subtle in its manipulation of the transitional governing body. If we can refrain from blatant attempts to force Iraq into positions that are advantageous for us, if we can demonstrate by example that we aren’t using Iraq as a US-exclusive cash cow, and invite in other nations to help with the reconstruction, then peace will come. It will come slowly, but it will come. There will be less to be angry about, more than one obvious target for that anger. There will be non-violent ways to make a direct difference, if the government truly is democratic. Through a poor focus of their hatred and constructive outlets for frustration (such as a government that they feel will listen to them), the Iraqi population will calm itself.

these times they flow like starlight into the clouds...

...and all too quickly, at that. Things are going too quickly, academically, and not enough is passing personally. This is the frustrating part of life when you know what to do but you have to wait for the right time. There needs to be these big chunks of time that require little effort, where other people can figger and lie down and breath, so I can jump them at the right time.

:)

Because my figgering is going very quickly. Not all at once, but in finnicky leaps and bounds. Things are happening and crashing around in my head and falling into a swirl of...

...something? Peace, I guess. I'm more at peace, now, in some ways, and less at peace in others.

"I felt that
faint trace of thunder"

The hard part is getting other people to feel it.

And it's nice, getting to know yourself. You get to know other people, sort of. Up until you know where you stand, you never really anticipate anything other people do, because it's all dependent on your own actions or words, and you don't know them what they'll be.

Existential Evan to the rescue...

RRgh...

I really have to go to the bathroom and then to bed. I will shower you with...

...wisdom...

later. Good night, all!

Ben, cut it out. You know what. It's icky.

you are lightskyblue #87CEFA

Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect. Your saturation level is lower than average - You don't stress out over things and don't understand people who do. Finishing projects may sometimes be a challenge, but you schedule time as you see fit and the important things all happen in the end, even if not everyone sees your grand master plan. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

See you all tonight at the Psych. review!

There is nothing more infuriating than thinking of the right things to do, but being too much of a loser or too depressed or too angsty to do them.

So, from now on, they'll get done.

Not that I'm surprised that I have this problem. Check out my anxiety score...man.

But the right thing to do is the right thing to do, and if I think I know what it is, it needs to be done.

I do not understand how Alex and Mark can get along. Alex is passive-liberal, and Mark is conservative. Not as a political label, mind you, he just thinks a lot neutral things are flat out wrong and enjoys a lot of brutal stuff. He's the poster-child for young adult, successful conservatives.

I don't get it.

I apologize for being mopey these days. There's very little to be happy about. Or awkward. There's very little to be comfortable about.

School in general is becoming a pit of uncomfortableness.

Well, have a nice night guys. Study, study, study for those AP tests!

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Activity Level ||||||||||||||| 42% Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Extroversion ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Trust |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Morality ||||||||||||||| 42% Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Cooperation |||||||||||| 34% Modesty |||||||||||| 34% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Friendliness |||||||||||||||||| 56% Confidence |||||||||||||||||| 58% Neatness |||||||||||| 38% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Achievement |||||||||||||||||| 58% Self-Discipline |||||||||||| 34% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 42% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 51% Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Volatility |||||||||||||||||| 58% Depression |||||||||||||||||| 54% Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Vulnerability ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Emotional Stability |||||||||||| 39% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Liberalism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 77%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Guys and Dolls was very well done. Some scenes were fabulous.

Prom was fun. They played...mostly good songs.

"you and me go fishin' in the dark
down..."

ARGH!!! I hate that song.

Everyone was beautiful, handsome, or just plain cool. I didn't really appreciate it last year.

Afterwards I went to Alex's party, which I shouldn't have. I ended up only being able to stay for about an hour, anyway.

Got home, lied down downstairs by myself and watched Mona Lisa Smile. Kirsten Dunst's character really wrenched me around. She's a gooooood actress.

I went to sleep just as it was starting to get light out. It was far from perfect, last night, but it was alive. Very much alive.

Thank you Alex, for inviting me. Thank you Ben, for driving me around, and thank you Jenny and Suze for inviting me to the wonderful play and getting cheap tickets. I had a great time.

It's been a long weekend.

I can't believe all this is happening. It was going so well.

merde melange

Senior skip day was odd. Ben and I went disc golfing, and I began to feel very shaky about the 7th hole. It lasted through the course, all the way to Best Buy and after. I didn't like it.

I just played CS and Magic all day, and really didn't accomplish anything. I should have gone to school.

But I guess that's how you learn.

I got my license suspended. Too many traffic violation points in a 1 yr period. I only had two speeding tickets, but one was during my probabtionary period, so it was worth 8 points; the other 4. Just the right number to claw the license from my grasp. Curses.

I can still apply for an occupational license, or an administrative appeal, both of which I shall, but this is a MAJOR annoyance. Possibly very crippling, in terms of summer.

This is just the "I'm depressed, not-looking-forward-to-something-big-the-next-day, tired, made-a-bad-decision, just-lost-at-everything" Evan talking, so it probably doesn't bear much notice, but I can just feel things slipping away. Life and school and...everything. I know it's not, but it feels like it.

I just want to go to sleep, and wake up at 3 am with the whippoorwills outside my window and a cool breeze and read until morning, when I go swim and hang out with friends, and go to work and do it again the next day. That's all I want, right now.

And I know I should want to lose weight, or get Sierra back, or go to college...

but there are problems with all of those things that make them unnattainable right now, or in the very near future...at least as far as I can tell. Losing weight is a slow-ish process (I'm back on my diet, hence the slow-"ish"), Sierra won't have me, and college, beyond applications that are done, isn't up to me anymore.

I've said it before: I'm tired of this game, I don't want to play. I want life, and I want sunshine, and I want freedom. And I know that I need to work for them but it feels like they're being ripped out of me bit by bit and I can't seem to grab them fast enough.

This isn't a blatant attempt at garnering pity: I'd appreciate it, but I'd think more of you if you didn't bother too much with it other than treating me the way you have been (this is for all of you who read this). So it'd feel good, but it wouldn't be good.

Mostly it's just some much-needed self-expression. I appreciate that you read this far.

Considering the respect I exhibit for my chemistry teacher, for my parents, for other drivers on the road, for my friends, for my future, and for myself, I can't say I don't deserve all...this.

But ultimate frisbee was a welcome release, even if it was strained good humor.

Have a gorgeous prom, everybody! I'll see you there.

PS: I appreciate you, Ben. Thank you for putting up with my shit: it's very admirable.

So, these past few weeks have been odd. Bad and wonderful and very lonely, in general, but I am one HELL of an optimist and it's beginning to not matter as much, or at least not matter as much in the bad way and matter more in the right way.

So, it starts with Monday, I think, or maybe Tuesday, two weeks ago. The week of "spring break".

Anyway, one of those days, the seniors were called down to the auditorium for an announcement about graduation and speeches and stuff. I decided to sign up for the baccalaureate committee.

Afterwards, when I was down there, Ben told me I should try out for graduation speaking. Well, first off, I didn't want to, just in general. Second, Sierra was doing it and I really wanted her to get the slot because she really wants it. Thirdly, that's the sort of competitive attitude that gets her riled up and very angry, so I didn't want to try out. Ben was pretty insistent, though, so I figured I'd sign my name so he'd get off my back (I didn't view this as a big thing at all) and then not try out, and explain that I wasn't going to try out to Sierra later.

WRONG.

Sierra was really cold and wouldn't let me explain what I had done that day, she was so mad. I don't entirely blame her, because it was kind of stupid and irresponsible for me to risk pissing her off that much just to appease Ben. I think she took it a little far, but whatever. Fact is, it ended up being kind of a big fight. So she called after school and I went over and she told me that it was too hard for her (it had been too hard for her) for me to do what I do for her and leave her to deal with some...guilt, or anxiety over not offering enough back.

At the time I thought it was stupid, because I don't care that there's a slight disparity in the way we treat each other. But I understand, now, that if she's going to feel good about me she has to feel good about her own role in the relationship at the same time. I was getting very serious, lately, about the relationship, and we weren't working as a serious couple.

So anyway, we broke up. Then I left for Ithaca, NY, to spend a load of time with my grandparents. It was ok. I mean, I enjoy spending time with them and my aunt (the cool one who lives on Cape Cod), but I didn't have much freedom when I was there. So I'd do stuff with them for a few days, then want to go do something, but there was nothing to do except go to the movies by myself.

whee.

And to be honest, it was emotional hell. Not a good time.

So I got back, and went through a relatively normal week of school, except I was failing chemistry. See, I wasn't actually, because I had been excused for the past week. So my parents yelled at me, my teacher was awesome about it (the Stan Man explained everything to me like twice because I'm stupid with chemistry), and I spent my week on it.

The next day, I stay home and study/work on homework. Ben comes over at like 2, with the premise that we can do something in town. I call mom to ask/tell her, and she says no. ::sigh::. fine. So we go to Rock Falls to get some Soda. apparently, that constitutes "doing something" and will prevent me from passing the AP tests. So I get grounded from the car. But I can go to the Viennese Ball, because I "made a committment".

Then on Saturday Sierra and I went to the Viennese Ball (it wasn't that messy a break-up as they go, I suspect). It was a blast. Oh god, it was so nice. There was occapella groups downstairs in the Davies and she looked really hot in this crazy, poofy prom dress and we tried to waltz and couldn't AT ALL and got wine and had a great time. And for some reason, Karen had me drive the Forrester which is cool because it's a V6 and all my family has are dumpy V4s. That sounds really geeky.

So afterwards I fill the tank with my last 20. (remember this).

And now, this is the week of Senior skip day AND prom, and I don't have a date to prom and there's a party that I'm leery about going to and I don't even know if I want to go to prom, but it's my senior prom and I feel like I should, but I have to decide.

Don't worry, it's the day of silence. I'm breathing.

And that was the last two weeks of my life. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I can tell you, I am tired of playing this game; this high school game. I get the rules, I've won the game, and I'm ready to retire and do commentary.

ARGH! AND no place in town has zippered hooded-sweatshirts, and I have to do money crap, and I can't talk today. gah.

But for all that, I'm feeling alright.

I take a very dim view of the way things are working out and of how I'm being treated right now. And what pisses me off is that it only makes it worse to be confrontational with anyone who thinks they're an authority figure, or have special privileges with me, or who are stressed out, or whatever. It pisses me off that I'm going to just sit here and take it, and leave their self-improvement up to them.

Not that it should be up to anyone else, but it's still a significantly slower process. And in the meantime I get snapped at, shit on, pushed, pulled, lectured, and restricted from living my life.

So figure it out, people. Not just in terms of you-me, but in terms of you: figure out what you do that's bad for the people that you care about or who care about you and resolve it, because noone's going to try to stick with you if you don't. They might do it anyway, but they won't try and that's what matters.

I don't have the time right now, but either tomorrow or this weekend there will be

a

HUGE

update. With all the juicy tidbits and the cold ickies and so on. It'll be good, if only in its completeness, but by GOD will it be complete...

...so look forward to it.

Why does the shit just pile on?

Heppy heppy esther, wee live yo soo vurry mich!

Ben is being gross. Stay away.

I have a sinus infection, chronic migraine headaches that probably result from my glasses prescription being nowhere near powerful enough, and am depressed because I sat around all break, had to skip school to sit around all break, was sick while sitting around all break, and had noone to talk to last night when I got home late at night from sitting around all break.

I really dread the way this year is beginning to end.

GOd, first one nostril, then the next. When will it STOP.

Why is it...

...that when you have a "personal day" after not being used to them...

that you end up drained, emotionally? I mean, I'm in the middle of a four day weekend, I got a silver at Forensic's state, and I had a good time talking with Dutter and going apeshit on CS all day.

And I can't seem to care about anything.

Tried to study. No good.

Tried to build a few decks. Nada.

Tried to write emails/letters. I can't think of anything important to say, or at least nothing important enough to say but unimportant enough to say carelessly.

I'm going to just drown myself in music, I think. I'll let other people feel for me.

It doesn't seem very healthy, though: not doing my own thinking.

In case anyone cares, I'm not depressed. At least I'm pretty sure I'm not. Just tired in a way only certain things can fix. I've been at the computer for far too long already. Please have a great night: go party or drive around with someone or something. And if you want me along, please call me.

And look at the sky. It's wonderful tonight.

Tonight is a night for l(o/i)ving.

"are you gonna to live your life wandering
standing in the back
looking around?

are you gonna waste your time
thinking
how you grew up
how you're missin' out?

...

I'm on my feet
I'm on the floor
I'm good to go

I wanna always feel like part of this
was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight"

I've got another one, but this is the dysfunctional one that sullenly walks from his room to the downstairs during family reunions and dinner parties.

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I adopted a cute lil' gothy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!