So, these past few weeks have been odd. Bad and wonderful and very lonely, in general, but I am one HELL of an optimist and it's beginning to not matter as much, or at least not matter as much in the bad way and matter more in the right way.

So, it starts with Monday, I think, or maybe Tuesday, two weeks ago. The week of "spring break".

Anyway, one of those days, the seniors were called down to the auditorium for an announcement about graduation and speeches and stuff. I decided to sign up for the baccalaureate committee.

Afterwards, when I was down there, Ben told me I should try out for graduation speaking. Well, first off, I didn't want to, just in general. Second, Sierra was doing it and I really wanted her to get the slot because she really wants it. Thirdly, that's the sort of competitive attitude that gets her riled up and very angry, so I didn't want to try out. Ben was pretty insistent, though, so I figured I'd sign my name so he'd get off my back (I didn't view this as a big thing at all) and then not try out, and explain that I wasn't going to try out to Sierra later.

WRONG.

Sierra was really cold and wouldn't let me explain what I had done that day, she was so mad. I don't entirely blame her, because it was kind of stupid and irresponsible for me to risk pissing her off that much just to appease Ben. I think she took it a little far, but whatever. Fact is, it ended up being kind of a big fight. So she called after school and I went over and she told me that it was too hard for her (it had been too hard for her) for me to do what I do for her and leave her to deal with some...guilt, or anxiety over not offering enough back.

At the time I thought it was stupid, because I don't care that there's a slight disparity in the way we treat each other. But I understand, now, that if she's going to feel good about me she has to feel good about her own role in the relationship at the same time. I was getting very serious, lately, about the relationship, and we weren't working as a serious couple.

So anyway, we broke up. Then I left for Ithaca, NY, to spend a load of time with my grandparents. It was ok. I mean, I enjoy spending time with them and my aunt (the cool one who lives on Cape Cod), but I didn't have much freedom when I was there. So I'd do stuff with them for a few days, then want to go do something, but there was nothing to do except go to the movies by myself.

whee.

And to be honest, it was emotional hell. Not a good time.

So I got back, and went through a relatively normal week of school, except I was failing chemistry. See, I wasn't actually, because I had been excused for the past week. So my parents yelled at me, my teacher was awesome about it (the Stan Man explained everything to me like twice because I'm stupid with chemistry), and I spent my week on it.

The next day, I stay home and study/work on homework. Ben comes over at like 2, with the premise that we can do something in town. I call mom to ask/tell her, and she says no. ::sigh::. fine. So we go to Rock Falls to get some Soda. apparently, that constitutes "doing something" and will prevent me from passing the AP tests. So I get grounded from the car. But I can go to the Viennese Ball, because I "made a committment".

Then on Saturday Sierra and I went to the Viennese Ball (it wasn't that messy a break-up as they go, I suspect). It was a blast. Oh god, it was so nice. There was occapella groups downstairs in the Davies and she looked really hot in this crazy, poofy prom dress and we tried to waltz and couldn't AT ALL and got wine and had a great time. And for some reason, Karen had me drive the Forrester which is cool because it's a V6 and all my family has are dumpy V4s. That sounds really geeky.

So afterwards I fill the tank with my last 20. (remember this).

And now, this is the week of Senior skip day AND prom, and I don't have a date to prom and there's a party that I'm leery about going to and I don't even know if I want to go to prom, but it's my senior prom and I feel like I should, but I have to decide.

Don't worry, it's the day of silence. I'm breathing.

And that was the last two weeks of my life. Crazy, crazy, crazy. I can tell you, I am tired of playing this game; this high school game. I get the rules, I've won the game, and I'm ready to retire and do commentary.

ARGH! AND no place in town has zippered hooded-sweatshirts, and I have to do money crap, and I can't talk today. gah.

But for all that, I'm feeling alright.