merde melange

Senior skip day was odd. Ben and I went disc golfing, and I began to feel very shaky about the 7th hole. It lasted through the course, all the way to Best Buy and after. I didn't like it.

I just played CS and Magic all day, and really didn't accomplish anything. I should have gone to school.

But I guess that's how you learn.

I got my license suspended. Too many traffic violation points in a 1 yr period. I only had two speeding tickets, but one was during my probabtionary period, so it was worth 8 points; the other 4. Just the right number to claw the license from my grasp. Curses.

I can still apply for an occupational license, or an administrative appeal, both of which I shall, but this is a MAJOR annoyance. Possibly very crippling, in terms of summer.

This is just the "I'm depressed, not-looking-forward-to-something-big-the-next-day, tired, made-a-bad-decision, just-lost-at-everything" Evan talking, so it probably doesn't bear much notice, but I can just feel things slipping away. Life and school and...everything. I know it's not, but it feels like it.

I just want to go to sleep, and wake up at 3 am with the whippoorwills outside my window and a cool breeze and read until morning, when I go swim and hang out with friends, and go to work and do it again the next day. That's all I want, right now.

And I know I should want to lose weight, or get Sierra back, or go to college...

but there are problems with all of those things that make them unnattainable right now, or in the very near future...at least as far as I can tell. Losing weight is a slow-ish process (I'm back on my diet, hence the slow-"ish"), Sierra won't have me, and college, beyond applications that are done, isn't up to me anymore.

I've said it before: I'm tired of this game, I don't want to play. I want life, and I want sunshine, and I want freedom. And I know that I need to work for them but it feels like they're being ripped out of me bit by bit and I can't seem to grab them fast enough.

This isn't a blatant attempt at garnering pity: I'd appreciate it, but I'd think more of you if you didn't bother too much with it other than treating me the way you have been (this is for all of you who read this). So it'd feel good, but it wouldn't be good.

Mostly it's just some much-needed self-expression. I appreciate that you read this far.

Considering the respect I exhibit for my chemistry teacher, for my parents, for other drivers on the road, for my friends, for my future, and for myself, I can't say I don't deserve all...this.

But ultimate frisbee was a welcome release, even if it was strained good humor.

Have a gorgeous prom, everybody! I'll see you there.

PS: I appreciate you, Ben. Thank you for putting up with my shit: it's very admirable.