wow.

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

yo tengo depressing, lately.

First off, sorry for the extremely depressing last post. My Christmas hasn't really been ideal.

First off, I think I've basically severed myself from High School, to the extent that I want to. This might initially seem a good thing, but it is a little sad: and end of an era, if you will.

Well, with the exception of one person. I have little or no energy for that particular situation, though, and they don't either, so I get a break from it.

Just for reference, it's better to be careful when speaking to those you care about, and not driving both of you to the point, when arguing, where you begin to forget what you're talking about. It's been too long, and I've made too many selfish attempts at happiness: I'd say I wish I had ended my...crusade...earlier, but I don't, I just miss not being able to talk with my friend...I think they're my friend. I wish we are, if that makes sense.

So, there's the exhausting psychological weakness, the realization of a new era, and then there's the impossible situation of being a relatively plain, reserved person trying to convince himself he's not interested in serious relationships at the moment.

Oh right, and my Grandma died last night, ruining the Christmas of at least two daughters and my Grandfather, and preventing my mother from spending Christmas with us.

This is rapidly turning into a rant, and while there's plenty of things to rant about, there's noone to rant to.

So, I apologize for having nothing much cheery to say.

I got a rave CD from Ben (rave meaning really good; Muse for those who can appreciate that) and am going to get an external hard drive so that I can expand on my already ridiculously expansive musical library without having to sacrifice necessary software (I almost caught myself deleting Microsoft Word and my one remaining media player to find room for some Rufus Wainwright, and I haven't gotten 2/3s of the way through my CDs, and not even half way through the various libraries on the dorm network).

So...I guess I'm cleared for a good break, now that everything shitty has happened or been decided.

But that said, I hope you guys had good Christmases. My actual Christmas was very fun, even though the circumstances surrounding it kinda sucked.

Wow. It doesn't really seem like Christmas.

I came home from school expecting to see everyone before the holidays, but with the exception of a few cases I won't get to see them until after the holidays, if at all. I don't really enjoy holidays anymore..kind of wish I could go back to school in a few days, and skip all the reunion stuff.

Sigh. A depressed, not-so-holy, low-key Christmas with family crap.

Then again, it's a welcome change from the hyperactive, high school Christmases I'm used to.

Happy Holidays, guys. I hope to see as many of you as possible during New Years and the days living up to it.

EDIT: Or leading up to it, even.

Home again, home again

jiggity jig.

875-4206

I probably won't be online too much, so the phone is your best bet. Or email, I suppose (fuzman666@aol.com).

According to Bennett:

There are two conflicting forces when determining actions: sympathy and morality.

Sympathy is a natural, unavoidable feeling of affinity for someone/something that makes us want to act in a certain way. Affinity is a general term, and many different feelings are qualified under it.

Morality is what we believe to be the "right" thing to do. One may argue that morality is objective or subjective; that there are certain right and wrong things that have existed forever or that it changes with culture and individual, but that is irrelevant to personal choice. Individually, it is merely what we believe to be right.

To paraphrase some examples, Heinrich Himmler allowed his belief of what was right (his "morality") to govern his decision to order the deaths of millions in WWII. Huckleberry Finn allowed his sympathy to override Missouri "morality" when he helped his negro friend escape to the North.

And so, it is a constant battle to balance these tendencies when making decisions. Following morality too closely when it diverges from our natural feelings will result in an empty soul, and allowing feelings to govern when morality should hold sway results in a lack of willpower and unwise decisions.

I've found that, in my life, I have followed feelings too closely. In my attempts to be moral, I have ignored the possibility that what I feel is right and what is right for that which is outside myself do not coincide. For a person whose childhood was comprised of "follow your heart" and "do what feels good" and "respect others" and "truth is paramount to happiness", this concept is pretty groundbreaking. There's never been a connection between the two, other than confusion over things that feel right but are reacted to as if they were wrong, and vice versa.

This is not only important to myself. Those of us who are or have gay or bi friends, or question their religion, or are dredging themselves out of the ditch of depression; these people find this concept relevant.

I can't offer any reconciling plan between sympathy and morality. Sometimes, however, realizing that there is reason for the discord that threatens happiness is enough to put it at bay.

come
as you are
as you were
as I want you to be

as a friend
as a friend
as a known enemy

*beep*

come away with me
in the night

come away with me
and i will write
you
a song

*beep*

To tell you the truth, I've said it before
Tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again
I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon its going to change in a new direction
Every night as I'm falling asleep
These words repeated in my head

*beep*

Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
I've conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a life to set you free

*beep*

mere christianity

I wonder:

Imagine the way people believe to be a strand of DNA; incredibly complex, intertwining, impossible to percieve sensibly when you examine the whole thing, but easy to love for its shape and complexity and mysteries.

If every new belief we encounter; every new perspective that is shown to us, alters the individual proteins, like a virus. Every new piece of information is a virus, and inserts itself into our DNA, using us to replicate.

If we could somehow distinguish between those Frankenstein opinions of our world and those we are actually born with, those we develop on our own through input instead of download.

I wonder what I would believe if I was me.

I've been spending my days wastefully.

That's acceptable, though. I guess I've given up reasonable hope of passing French, so I don't feel the need to exhaustively study the material...I probably will, tomorrow, or just get freaked out and read everything and do all the work a couple days before the final, but right now I'm ok with not getting the credit.

I've been staying up really late watching movies or talking or kinda half-assing my homework (not the actual work, but applying myself to it and focusing). It's actually quite a relaxing way to go about it, but it catches up to you at the end of the week (I went to my first class, and then went home and slept through my three others today).

And I've been spending noticeably less time at my computer. Maybe it's the work, maybe it's the end-of-the-semester attitude, maybe it's feeling disgruntled about members of my buddy list or not having the energy to be random and entertaining with the others. It's odd; the people I end up talking to when I decide not to send messages, just recieve. Not odd, but clarifying.

Also, I really like brushing my teeth at night, at like 2 am on the weekend when you know you're going to be up for a few more hours. It's just when your mouth starts to feel skunky, and just when you start being physically close to people that it makes sense to do that sort of thing.

Apparently I'm good at vigorous back-rubs. Good to know.

BlueHalios: alright, so your banana foam world has really made me start thinking about hypothetical situations. So i began thinking about a new world there are three tribes on this world, One tribe who can _only_ concieve of things in hypathetical situations, the second can not concieve of hypathetical situations, and the third group can can only concieve of conclusions. although this is learned behavior, it is very very strongly ingrained into the society through increadibly heavy taboo... what are the socio-anthropological dynamics of this world?

Auto response from neomanceristaken: "All thoughts, all passions, all delights
Whatever stirs this mortal frame
All are but ministers of Love
And feed His sacred flame."

BlueHalios returned at 12:51:25 PM.
neomanceristaken: hmm
neomanceristaken: well, teh people who only do the conclusions are hated and feared
neomanceristaken: and the hypothetical people are extremely low on the totem pole
neomanceristaken: they're like the untouchables
BlueHalios: not necisarily, because they would posibly be the most advanced
neomanceristaken: that pretty much assures it
neomanceristaken: or, do you mean the hypothetical people?
neomanceristaken: just because they think hypothetically doesn't mean that they're practical
BlueHalios: yeah i mean the hypos
neomanceristaken: in fact, just the opposite
neomanceristaken: they can never apply anything to what is going on right now
neomanceristaken: "right now"
BlueHalios: for practical discusion we can refer to them as: hypos, nypos, and Ass's
neomanceristaken: haha
BlueHalios: yeah which would prevent them from going to war
BlueHalios: so while others where the most technologicaly advanced
neomanceristaken: it would also prevent them from doing anything when warred against
BlueHalios: they would be the most phylisoficaly advanced
neomanceristaken: SOME of them would be
BlueHalios: they can still react instinctualy
neomanceristaken: the ones who are rich enough to be able to think hypothetically all the time
BlueHalios: instincts havent left
neomanceristaken: instinct still isn't enough, in the real world
neomanceristaken: you have to think applicably
BlueHalios: i actualy came to a similer conclusion as you
BlueHalios: the non-hypos would be the most agresive and the most populace because they couldnt think about the problems with behaveing so
neomanceristaken: they'd be like cro magnon, but with some socrateses interspersed.
neomanceristaken: yeah
BlueHalios: nypos that is
neomanceristaken: irrational
neomanceristaken: nypos=irrational
BlueHalios: well they are all irrational
neomanceristaken: hypos=vacant UNLESS they spend a lot of time thinking about things before they occur
neomanceristaken: Asses=basically omnipotent, but stupid as all hell because they never actaully learn.
BlueHalios: well the problem with the ASS's is they would always be drawing conclusions and acting on it
BlueHalios: so they would both go fowards and backwards
BlueHalios: but they would do a lot of it
BlueHalios: the nypos wouldnt think about going fowards or backwords
neomanceristaken: are we saying the conclusions are RIGHT, or that they just randomly come up with conclusions? are they the conclusions they would come up with if they had the capability to think it through?
BlueHalios: no the conclusions arnt right
BlueHalios: they are just conclusions
neomanceristaken: what about the second bit of my question? that's really important
BlueHalios: so for example they would see a rock on the ground and lift it up after a rainfall, underneith the rock it would be dry, they want to be dry so they would put the rock on there head to prevent themselves from getting wet
neomanceristaken: that's not thinking just in conclusions, that's stupidity
BlueHalios: they can come to conclusions they just cant ask the questions
neomanceristaken: thinking only in conclusions would be like they see a person talking with another, and they conclude all these extraneous details that would require thought. sort of like sherlock holmes, but with no explanation for their resultant.
BlueHalios: right, but they dont know why they come to the conclusions so they cant verify weather they are right or wrong
neomanceristaken: so, a hyper-superstitious society, basically
BlueHalios: yeah in away
BlueHalios: a way*
BlueHalios: see i think they would get along with the hypos because the hypos could ask them questions and when they came to a conclusion they could ask them questions about the conclusions
BlueHalios: see if the groups ever happend to just randomly decided to get work done they could be really slowly productive
BlueHalios: i just realised i created beaucracy world
neomanceristaken: teh conclusions wouldn't be right, though
BlueHalios: they could be right
BlueHalios: or wrong
BlueHalios: the nypos would basicly be the large working class, the Ass's would be the middle managment and the hypos would be the CEO's
neomanceristaken: they would just be conclusions. with no reasoning to explain them, even a chain of conclusions that aren't consistent won't teach anyone anything
BlueHalios: it would posibly be the least/most producive coorperation
BlueHalios: yeah
BlueHalios: aint that a bitch?
BlueHalios: but they can still act on them...
neomanceristaken: sure, but the conclusions would be solid, not hypothetical. and hence useless to the hypos
BlueHalios: yeah but if they work together by hapenstance
BlueHalios: because the conclusion people might be really greatful to the hypos for giving them something to conclude about
BlueHalios: but they might not
BlueHalios: im only offering a possibility
BlueHalios: could you imagin not being able to think hypotheticaly?
neomanceristaken: huh?
BlueHalios: well could you imagin being a nypo?
neomanceristaken: lol
neomanceristaken: no

I'm really emotionally and mentally exhausted, and easily become physically so, so this'll probably be the last post before I get home for the holidays, as I have much writing to do for classes, and quite a lot of study guides to complete.

I don't really know what to do about Christmas break. I know Christmas will be spent with family, and day after (Xmas) with friends. Ben and Jenny and Suzie etc have all called dibs, and who am I to refuse?

Well, the rest will come as it comes.

Oh fuck. I forgot to do the blocking for my play. Damn.

Have a good night, you guys.

Doubtin' the ol' sanity. It feels good to get off my chest, though.

Snow is drifting up against the concrete of the walkways on campus like small, potent items from yesterday; not used, but seen and examined and appreciated. Kept close to the places we walk, our past crowds the edges of life; hemming it in from damaging the underlying and surrounding green, resisting the future sun, and zealously reclaiming lost ground with new snowfall.

I love this cold. You appreciate the slightest light of the sun when it doesn't help to keep you warm, just allows your skin, for just a moment, to remember summer.