I feel old.

I am beginning to feel old. Is this what other people feel like when they lose their connections, when they don't have the chance to love the people they love? It feels wrong.
I don't quite know why I feel this way. Have you ever taken a test and thought "Wow, I aced that motherfucker!" and then you find out you just barely passed? That's how it feels right now; like I thought I had learned a lesson and now I've failed the test.
'Cause the deal was, I was a real asshole to this girl way back in freshman year, and ever since then I've had this block in my mind that said I couldn't be intimate with a girl unless I was willing to be totally committed. Probably just because the first time felt shitty: like I was ashamed of the way I had behaved afterwards...but I'm beginning to think that maybe it wasn't the situation but the way I handled it.
So now I maybe just shattered a bridge between not only myself and a girl, but myself and two girls, and it's taking all my willpower to keep it together. I don't know how long I can hold it up. If either of you reads this, and wants to, let go or lend a hand. It's beginning to hurt too much.
I need some sort of shift of focus. Everything seems to be coming back to my relationships. It's tragically whiny and really pansy-esque. I feel like I should be writing croaky, crying acoustic rock songs and singing in dark, depressed coffee houses about my life. But I don't know how to play the guitar...

"wo you left me
wo or did I
leave you first?
but you don't care
'cause I had awesome fashion sense
and I could play cords on the gui-TAR!

and now we're both really sad
but i'm more sad than you
'cause i have a better voice for being sad
'cause i got kicked in the junk a buncha times as a and i smoke cigarettes to look moo-DY!

you bitch
you hate me
the whole world hates me
that's why i'm stuck playing local GIGS!

*crashing acoustic power cords*
*more desperate acoustic power cords*
*more chords, this time with gasps and sobs in the background*"

But hopefully that will change on Saturday or Sunday. I have really wanted to learn, but haven't really needed it until now. Maybe an artistic outlet would provide some needed release.

Or maybe I should just get myself layed (laid? One of them's flowers...or, no. One of them's Hawaiian flowers in a necklace, specifically...)

Probably laid. But I do like flowers.

Anyway, that'd be good.

Focus.

Forensics might provide focus.
Swimming might.
DI definitely would.

But what's the point of just looking the other way?

"Oh, that semi's going to hit me, I'll close my eyes. Maybe if I don't see it, it won't exist!"

We had this absolutely awesome group of performers come in and teach us some basic hip-hop stuff for Beginning Theatre. I'll be damned if it didn't re-ignite something.
For those of you who don't know (and that's probably not that many at this point), I was in dance from kindergarten through the summer leading up to sixth grade. I started out with a mix of Jazz, Tap, and Ballet, spent two years in just Tap, and then three in Ballet being taught by this old crone named Rose. It was awesome. It's where I met Courtney Scott for the first time outside of church, and Mikey Schwengle (not that I covet that particular memory), and apparently Suzie too. I don't remember her, but she remembers when I played Max in Where the Wild Things Are.
So anyway, I really enjoyed it. I think I'm really starting to open up on stage; I'm not as self concious.
I think I might go see them on Saturday. Anyone interested in accompanying an old, fat, lonely teenager to a hip-hop dance show?

(That sounds SO midwestern.)

I may be depressed, and I may be tired, and I might even be tiring of the direction my life is going, but I will never lose my sense of humor.

"Foolery, Sir, does walk about the orb like the sun; it shines everywhere."
-Billy Shakespeare

Which, on a lightly triumphant note, ends my piece for the day, as I begin it again.(I'm practicing motonomy.)

I think (Oh, "PS" btw) that that Feste quote shall be my senior quote. I think it fits me (or at least did) pretty damn well.