Wow.

My world is being flipped upside down.

Sort of...

More like everyone else's is, and I'm not helping them straighten it out. It's not that I'm not trying to help, it's just that my being there is seeming to insert a few variables.

Desired Equation: AX + BY = happy life
PRESENT EQUATION: AY + BX = One hell of an indecisive Evan.

There are two things I could "go for" right now.

They are, interestingly enough, not mutually exclusive.

The thing is, one I am unsure about going for because I don't know if it's a low-level self-satisfaction thing, and not really what is best for our friendship, or if it's ok.

The other one...the other one is wierd, cause it involves low levels of not trying. But I'm afraid that if I go for it, things won't end the way they're "supposed" to. Maybe it's relationship anxiety. Maybe I just want the first one to be perfect so I don't have to worry about the loss. Or I could take the advice and not become attached...but then what's the point? Isn't that like treating everyone like a piece of meat that you just nibble on when you're hungry and leave to rot when you're not?

Bleh. Blllleeeeehhhh.... BBBBBBbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgh....

People are SO confusing, especially when you don't get chances to talk to them.

Things I will never do to someone:

#1: Conciously use them.
#2: Not apologise if I find out I was subconciously using someone.
#3: Dive into a relationship.
#4: Despise. Anyone. Yes Ashley, not even Fascists.
#5: Turn my back on a friend or someone in need when I have the capacity to help.

There. I will NEVER do those things. I will recognise faults, I will be brutally honest, but I will never, ever do those five things to anyone.

You wanna know something awesome? There's this kid named Trevor at Fountain of Youth. He's huge, hulking, runs into things, is not the least shell-shocked rat in the maze, but he did the most amazing thing the other day.
Now (this is a prelude), I consider myself one of the nicest people at Fountain of Youth. I'm not overly profane, I don't use slurs of any kind, I have a highly developed sense of honor about any games I'm playing there. I treat EVERYONE well, but I am short with them if they are being annoying or immature. That's the extent of it, though. So I think I know why this happened to me.
The other day (actually, a while ago) Trevor sat down at a computer next to me in the library and handed me a note. In it, he had written...well, you'd probably call it a manifesto of friendship. When I asked him about it he was very sincere and said he was passing it out to all his friends. It's hard to explain the import, but I think Sierra might know what it feels like. Do you remember, if it wasn't too long ago, the first time John referred to you as his friend? Do you remember how that felt? That's kind of what it was like.
Not that I had been lusting over Trevor, or anything (no parallels there), but still, the enormity of it? Right there. This average, introverted irish giant handed me a note that so thoroughly said to all his friends "I will be there for you, regardless." was quite a thing.
So consider this my "manifesto of friendship".

I will wrap you up like a fucking mummy
I will massage your head
I will be in your band
I will go to your plays
I will play frisbee with you in the sleet
I will teach you how to use a pen (i.e. on paper)
I will rub your back
I will give you hugs
and I will sit you right back at your life, with clean silverware, a new napkin, and friends all around, toasting you.
Because I love you all.