I'm composing the ultimate mix cd in my head.

It's the worst thing I've ever done.

It's sad break-up songs. Not angry, not depressed, just...those songs you hear and they break your eyes. And you sing along if you're alone, but never if you're with anybody because your voice will crack and you will cry, and usually if people are crying and singing it means they're moved, but noone can be moved by a sad song and not have anything hurting them.

I think it's less that I'm composing it and more that I've figured out that it'll get made. I mean, eventually, every sad song gets sung. Either that or you die way too soon.

Or maybe you die just at the right time.

There are these things going through my head that I just can't shake, and I really wish I could. I really do, because goddamnit, that would fix everything.

You look at the beautiful painting, and it makes you cry. So you rip out your eyes. Now, the painting's still beautiful but it doesn't make you cry.

Is that worth it? Is that even a fair analogy?

Why do you even care about the pain, isn't the beauty enough?

We cling to our notions, us poor, pathetic little humans. We grasp them and gnaw on them and love them more than we love ourselves.

And the worst part is that I could be wrong. I could be WRONG. Everything we "know", when you analyze it, is just a collection of vague suspicions from under which we peer out at the world.

The worst part is never knowing what's right.

Kaz, watch me now! Existential Evan, to ruin the dAY!

But it's not a new Evan. It's the same old Evan, but now he knows what needs to be figgered.

Off to do some figgering...