I thought this was the most amazingly funny profile ever...

Somewhere around ounce sixty of his Budweisers, Chet walked over to my desk and started screaming at me. "Thou art gay!" he shrieked. When I pretended to ignore him, he yelled "That's Olde English dumbass! I'm calling you gay! You stupid... C'mere. I'm sorry." Then when I went to give him a hug, he wrestled me to the floor, and started rubbing my face against the rug. "Feel that?" he was screaming, "That's a plus twelve carpet." At that point, Tony returned from getting Thai food, saw what was happening, and knocked Chet out with a big stapler we use for knocking him out. Then we frisked him and took his wallet and the peppermint candy he's always got in every pocket, and went to the movies.

"Midgets are, after all, diversions for silly or quiet times."
-Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle